After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
