Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i think i have two assholes
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sorry about my life...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
