So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
