Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
