Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
