Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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