I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
