Barsexuality is the new black.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
