I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
its liver damage thursday
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
