Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
