You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
