we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
