saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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