I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Randomize
