how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it was like eating out sand paper
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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