That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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