if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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