Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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