i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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