onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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