Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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