His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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