Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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