I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
