This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
