You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize