Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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