first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
