the condom got lost in my hair
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
