I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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