You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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