U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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