i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
