I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
