i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
