We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
