He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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