can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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