DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
