And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
