Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
