Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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