Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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