If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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