Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
