Im at strip club and am horny
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
