and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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