I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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