Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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