So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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