Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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