I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
