Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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