she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
