My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I looked at my own cervix.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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