just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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