Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You left your phone here
Wait...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
