she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
