I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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