Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
