he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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