I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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