I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
