I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
