Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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