Having a random hookup so left but love u
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
