an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
